Sunday, March 05, 2006

The Best Snow is in December


It is Sunday evening at the end of a healthy break weekend for me. I've managed to get in touch with half a dozen of the people I've neglected over the last few years. This is a picture of one of the coolest kids I've ever met - who was persistant enough to convince two tired adults to go tobboggening on a bright december day.

One thing that came out of this Johari window/communications excercise is that I realized how anxious I was about moving back to Ontario - heck - the problem is moving back to the Mississauga area (If I were moving back to Thunder Bay or Sudbury, it would just be an adventure.) Up until now I've been focused on how great it will be to be able to spend time with my family or worried about getting a job and looking forward to the opportunity to begin my career. I guess the exercise of sending out that link to as many of the people I know and have functional email addresses for made me realize how many folks I've lost touch with.

This exercise has reminded me sharply of how much I've changed over the last 10 or so years. Not that I regret my highschool years, but I don't recall them as my happiest (that would probably be reserved for Thunder Bay aka the EFRT years - which was the first time I felt part of something bigger, I loved the biology that I was studying, I was doing well in school and I have to admit that I had some pretty awesome friends) I sort of sorted out most of my teenage angst there and I belonged in Thunder Bay - I always felt that I fit into the culture there, sort of outdoorsy, northern, friendly and humble. I know the year I taught in Kashechewan changed me - I grew up a lot and gained a lot of confidence and assertiveness. I'm not sure I've evolved much in Fredericton. I've had some good times, but I've been focused on school more and been less involved in the school than I had been at Lakehead. I know that I'm probably not going to really end up hanging out with my old highschool friends if I move back to Mississauga - they've all got adult lives and other friends - but I'm worried that other than my family there aren't going to be people I fit in with. I don't really identify myself as a city person any more - I like small cities.

Perhaps I've lived outside Toronto long enough to catch some of the negative feelings that towards the big city. I always feel slightly apologetic to admit that I'm not only from Ontario, but from a suburb of Toronto - it makes me feel slightly dirty or at least that I have to make sure that people don't think I think that it makes me think that I'm better then them. (if that isn't a complicated enough sentence for you) I guess it sounds like a Canadian sentiment. Sigh. . . nothing is ever simple is it. The view certainly isn't as nice - my window here overlooks the Saint John river vally (facing west towards the sunset). I'm sure that its harder for Gabe - I'm worrying about ghosts from my past and trying to go back to a place I used to come from where I'll be supported by my family. He is leaving his familiar haunts and people behind to go to a part of the country that he's never really wanted to live. I'm a pretty lucky girl. I'm sure it'll all be fine, and I'm glad Gabe is going to be there. He knows who I am now and that'll keep me grounded as I try hold onto that while tackling my past and a new job at the same time.

I guess it is human to worry, and I feel better having named my fear and faced it. I think its been bouncing around in my brain and colouring my dreams. Its also good to know that there are so many folks who like me well enough. I want to thank everyone who responded to my Johari window link. It helps to know that you have friends out there, I hope that I'll get the chance to visit some of you once I'm back in the same province.


Jennith Posted by Picasa


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